“Creating Space” for Dummies

Because what does that even mean? It’s come to the forefront of the therapeutic lexicon: we absolutely must create space. 

Here’s how I think of it: you have to give the feeling a seat at the table. If you were at a dinner party, and there was someone just tucked away, hiding in the corner of the room, almost exiled, you’d probably stare at them the whole time, right? Like who even is that sitting in the corner? 

(brief story time: once in elementary school we went to this fake “pioneer town” and I talked so much during the instruction i did actually have to sit on a stool in the corner with a dunce cap on. No, I'm totally not haunted in any way by this memory). 

To create space for our feelings, we give them a seat, and hear them out. If we spend all of our time telling them they’ve just got no right to be there, asking to see their invitations to prove they were even invited, we’ve somehow spent the entire dinner party worrying about their presence. We’ve spent all of our time giving them all the wrong kinds of attention.

This is a part of therapy I love walking my clients through. What does this feeling want you to see? Where is it in your body? Does it just need to feel welcome, to fit in, to know it’s heard? We have to see our feelings as inherently valid, just by the fact of their very existence! (Which can be difficult, especially if you’ve spent a lot of time on this earth thinking that your feelings needed justifying or logical explanation.

This is where I think the through-line enters between my two favorite modalities: mindful awareness and Internal Family Systems. More on that later.

For now, let’s see if there’s room at your table for another chair (and if I can help you set the table).