Do all parents f**k up their children?

It’s hard not to feel that way. 

When I think about generations before mine (technically, I am on the cusp of Gen Z and millennial), I think about how they didn’t have words for half of the traumas we now describe as coming from our parents. 

We’re people pleasers, conflict avoidant, anxiously attached, peace-keepers, sensitive to feedback, whatever. All of this, from our parents? 

My clients are often in my office to discuss conflicts with their parents. Whether their parents are not present enough, or over-bearing, many people struggle being in a close relationship with their parents. 

This is how I’ve come to think of our relationships with our parents: we have to constantly balance (at least) two feelings. On one hand, we can hold them accountable for patterns they’ve unintentionally instilled in us. We have to know what we need, and where they fell short. On the other hand, we can —and almost must be— be sensitive to their upbringings, and remember that they, too, are and were doing the best they could. 

I saw a video once, and this girl had recorded her mom doing something inconsequential, and the caption was something like, “When I remember my mom is also just a girl, doing this for the first time.” That little tiktok video really stuck with me.  It’s true, isn’t it? Our parents are just people. They are also just doing their best with the skillset given to them by their parents.

And if we choose to have children, we will do the very same. We will, accidentally, f**k up our kids in our own unique way. And then one day, we will hope that they can lovingly hold us accountable while still forgiving us. We will hope they remember that we, too, did the best we knew how. And hopefully, they’ll find a therapist (or a community) who can help them find their own way, create their own patterns and habits, and find compassion for their parents.